My Guide to Online Dating

Over the years I have read, replied to and posted personal ads.

Before you go on and on about how I am likely to be drugged, thrown in the trunk of my car and murdered by some insane individual I might possible meet on the internet, let me just save you the trouble and tell you that I already know this. Thanks though. Sure, I could go meet a guy in a bar. That means that he probably likes to drink. And if I see the same guy in the same bar more then once there is a possibility that he has a drinking problem, could get drunk, drag me out by my hair and beat me. The supermarket is just as creepy. Do you really want to date that guy that keeps suggestively feeling the cantaloupe while leering at you? I think not.

Anyway, back to the original point. In my reading of personal ads I keep coming across the same things that make me just want to rip my hair out. To save my head, and possibly help some people find a date, I thought I would share my little list of don’ts.

1. Thank you Captain Obvious.
Imagine the scene, you are browsing through a list of personal ads and a picture or headline catches your eye. You get all excited and click on it and within the first two sentences you read “I like the outdoors” which is frequently not followed by any type of explanation. This makes me want to poke someone with a fork. The only thing that you have managed to inform me of is that while the rest of the population prefers to stay locked in a room with no windows and venture out only when absolutely necessary, that you will actually go outside and enjoy it. Are you kidding me? Be specific!

2. Your main profile picture is your truck/car/motorcycle.
Scrolling down a list of profiles you come upon the inevitable… the picture of the big truck, fast car or shiny motorcycle. My first thought? Ohhhh my God! It’s Optimus Prime! Or, in the alternative, double checking the webpage address to make sure I didn’t somehow end up in the used car section somehow. Guys, here is a piece of advice, women that are looking at personal ads are looking for a man not a vehicle. Sure, your vehicle is nice and all, but unless you are looking for a woman that is only interested in all the shiny things you can buy then you should probably start with you. Sure if you want a post a picture of you AND your vehicle then that is fine but at least make sure that you are in the picture.

3. Shift key, comma, period. Learn them.
I am not aware of any “video only” personal ad sites that are out there. Anyone that sends you a link to one is probably trying to get you to sign up for their porn website. This means that your profile is going to be READ. I promise there is nothing to fear about capital letters, commas or periods (yes, I can already imagine the PMS jokes to go with this). Reading a profile with absolutely no punctuation or capitals is annoying. It makes my brain hurt. Not only will I want to stab something with a fork, I will probably also feel the urge to light something on fire. Most likely it will be you. I would rather have someone try and get it wrong then just leave them out all together. At least if you are attempting to use them then I know you are putting a little bit of effort into it. Leaving them out all together screams “I can’t be bothered to put enough effort into this so to type a “.” now and then, so why should I put any effort into a relationship.” Ok maybe that is a little bit harsh but you get my point.

4. Guns and pointy objects.
You are a man and not just any man but you are a manly man! To enhance your burly man image your profile picture is of you holding a large rifle or hunting knife. Look, it is your right as an American citizen to go out and hunt, trap and otherwise chase small and large furry critters. I get that. But go back up the very beginning of this… see that part about getting murdered by random strangers on the internet? Yeah… see a picture of you standing there holding a big ole’ gun doesn’t leave me with a reassured feeling. I’m not saying that all hunters are out to murder humans, not saying that at all. But it still doesn’t give many women a warm fuzzy feeling of love to see you waving a knife in one hand and holding a beer in the other while you have that mad gleam in your eye.

Guys, with just a few minor changes, you too can have a personal ad to be proud of!